I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
