You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
