Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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