it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
