see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
