There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
