i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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