it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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