just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
