There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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