the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
