break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
