Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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