when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
