If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I love you. Go after that dick
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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