So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Porn is love you can see.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
