I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
