Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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