I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
