you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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