The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
