Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
