Umm I'm too high to move.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
