In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
