He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
