Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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