So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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