I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
