now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
