My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
