Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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