My liver just broke up with me...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
