Moan for me like Helen Keller
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
