I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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