Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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