Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
