hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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