She went from zero to smokin in five shots
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
