I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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