Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
