I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
