Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
