Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
