I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
