She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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