I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
