clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
