I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
