Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
