When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
