By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
