I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
