I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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