I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
